Summit Counseling Associates - Helping you succeed in your most important relationships!

Dr Patrick Carnes has done groundbreaking research about sexual addiction. He has found that sexual addiction resembles compulsive gambling and alcohol or drug-addiction.

All of these addictions share a common pattern.

Loss of control: a persistent desire or unsuccessful effort to control or stop behavior;
Continuation of activity despite adverse consequences;
Obsession or preoccupation with obtaining sex, having sex, or recovering from sexual activity.

Based on his research with sexually addicted people, Carnes came to understand that sex-addicts follow a a 4-stage addiction cycle (see figure).

Stage 1 Preoccupation: We think obsessively about sex. In this stage everything we do or say is sexualized. Not only that, but we sexualize the words or actions of others - even when the words or actions have nothing to do with sex.

Stage 2 Ritualization: We develop and follow routines for getting sex. There is a particular place in the house where we keep the pornography; we don't go to that room unless we're going with the purpose of looking at the pornography.

Stage 3 Acting out: After thinking about it all day long, and going to that particular place, we act compulsively; sex is in the driver's seat, and we're out of control.

Stage 4 Shame & Despair: When the euphoria of the orgasm has subsided, the primary emotion is not fulfillment, but emptiness, isolation and shame.

Carnes writes:

"Despair becomes the connecting link in all addictive cycles, creating the need to begin the cycle again.... [The] addict relieves the low or "withdrawal" by getting high again. That is, to take away the pain of despair, he ... reenters the obsessive preoccupation, thus completing the cycle. Once complete, the cycle becomes self-perpetuating and autonomous. The purpose of the cycle in the addict's life is to keep pain at bay." (Contrary to Love, p. 67).

Does this describe you or someone you know?

Interviews with sexually addicted men has shown that as many as 80 % of them were sexually, physically, or emotionally abused as boys. Or they witnessed a traumatic event they were unable to escape or control. The pain of those memories continue to haunt them. To deaden the pain, some men turn to sex. The orgasm feels good; the pain disappears - temporarily. But unless it is healed, the pain will always return. And it will need more pain-killer. Then more. And more. And more.

If your sexual behavior has gotten out of control, I have good news for you: there is hope. You can be set free from the bondage.

Getting Help for Sexual Addiction

It is typical for a man to struggle with out-of-control sexual behaviors for quite a while before he is finally "sick and tired of being sick and tired." It is not uncommon for a man to be depressed as a result of his addiction. Don't let that man be you. There is hope.

When a man comes to me for help in battling sexual compulsivity or addiction, one of the first things we do together is complete the Sex Addiction Screening Test (SAST). This instrument was developed by Dr. Patrick Carnes to assess sexually compulsive behavior. Carnes has found that 96% of sexually addicted people score 13 or more on the SAST.

The second "first-things-first" task is to get the man involved in a 12-step group such as Sexaholics Anonymous, or Sex Addicts Anonymous. This is an important step. These groups are run by others struggling with the same temptations and behaviors. There, people find support, encouragement, and accountability. Research has found that people recovering from addictive behaviors recover more quickly when they are involved in individual therapy, group therapy, and regular attendance at a 12-step group for sex addicts.

The third step toward overcoming sexual addiction is to read books and articles on sex addiction. Click here for links to a list of the material I encourage my clients to read or use.

If you would like to talk about this, click here to send me an email.

Please report any broken links.