When sex threatens to get out of control

Sex is fun. Real fun.

Except when sex gets out of control. Then it isn't fun at all.

What does "out of control" sex look like?

1. Persistent desire or repeated unsuccessful efforts to control or stop particular behaviors;

2. Continuation of the activity despite adverse consequences;

3. Obsession or preoccupation with obtaining sex, having sex, or recovering from sexual activity.

Based on his research with sexually addicted people, Dr. Patrick Carnes came to understand that sex-addicts follow a a 4-stage addiction cycle (see figure).

Stage 1 Preoccupation: We think obsessively about sex. In this stage everything we do or say is sexualized. Not only that, but we sexualize the words or actions of others - even when the words or actions have nothing to do with sex.

Stage 2 Ritualization: We develop and follow routines for getting sex. For example, there is a particular place in the house where we keep the pornography; we don't go to that room unless we're going with the purpose of looking at the pornography.

Stage 3 Acting out: After thinking about it all day long, and going to that particular place, we act compulsively; sex is in the driver's seat, and we're out of control.

Stage 4 Shame & Despair: When the euphoria of the orgasm has subsided, the primary emotion is not fulfillment, but emptiness, isolation and shame.

Carnes writes: "Despair becomes the connecting link in all addictive cycles, creating the need to begin the cycle again.... [The] addict relieves the low or "withdrawal" by getting high again. That is, to take away the pain of despair, he ... reenters the obsessive preoccupation, thus completing the cycle. Once complete, the cycle becomes self-perpetuating and autonomous. The purpose of the cycle in the addict's life is to keep pain at bay." (Contrary to Love, p. 67).

The good news is there is hope.

If your sexual behavior has gotten out of control, I have good news for you: there is hope. You can get free from the bondage.

Getting Help for Sexual Addiction

It is typical for a man to struggle with out-of-control sexual behaviors for quite a while before he is finally "sick and tired of being sick and tired." It is not uncommon for a man to experience depression as a result of his addiction. Don't let that man be you. There is hope.

When a man comes to me for help in battling sexual compulsivity or addiction, one of the first things we do together is complete the Sex Addiction Screening Test (SAST). This instrument was developed by Dr. Patrick Carnes to assess sexually compulsive behavior. Carnes has found that a score 13 or more suggests that one's sexual behavior is getting out of control.

The second "first-things-first" task is to get the man involved in a 12-step group such as Sexaholics Anonymous, or Sex Addicts Anonymous. This is an important step. These groups are run by others struggling with the same temptations and behaviors. There, people find support, encouragement, and accountability. Research has found that people recovering from addictive behaviors recover more quickly when they are involved in individual therapy, group therapy, and regular attendance at a 12-step group for sex addicts.

The third step toward overcoming sexual addiction is to read books and articles on sex addiction. Click here for links to a list of the material I encourage my clients to read or use.

If you would like to talk about this, call me or send me an email.

Helping men break free from sexual addiction

Copyright (c) 2009, Summit Counseling Associates, Inc.

Serving people throughout the Denver - Boulder metro area.