What do you base your self worth on?

What do you base your self-worth on?

By Craig L. Loving, D.Min., LMFT

Last week, I had lunch with a pastor who told me of a class in seminary in which the professor assigned the students to groups of three for the semester. Their task was to rotate roles: counselor, counselee, and observer. Throughout the semester, the counselor was to ask the counselee this one question, “Why do you want to be a pastor?” Once a week; thirteen weeks. Same question.

He said it took a while to get beyond Sunday School answers.

“What happened next?” I asked.

“About half of the class decided they weren’t really called to be pastors. They finished the semester, then transferred out.”

Apart from our specific field of service, pastors tend to have generally the same internal compass as other “caring professionals.” Desire to help people; make a difference; relieve suffering, etc. Most pastors have a specifically spiritual overlay on that list: God’s call and a desire to preach / teach the Bible.

Additionally, pastors share many of the same family-of-origin dynamics as other “caring professionals.” Over-representation from moderately-to-severely dysfunctional families. Addictions (all sorts); abandonment (all sorts); family secrets and loyalties, and so on.

One essay in a journal for pastoral counselors theorized that clergy responded to the dysfunction in their family-of-origin by adopting stereotypical “helping” roles such as “family hero” (“Don’t worry, Mom / Dad, I’ll help you”), or “family saint” (“Don’t worry, Mom / Dad, God will help us”). According to the author, out of this autobiography comes the call to ministry.

There’s nothing wrong with this scenario, unless a pastor is unaware of how it might have played out in his own call to ministry. In such instances, the family hero / family saint turned pastor might derive his self-worth, not from the sola gracia of the Gospel, but from fulfilling a family script.

I once worked with a man who was ministering out of his “hero” role in the family script. Driven. Perfectionistic. Anxious. Angry. Depressed. I asked him to describe how he saw Jesus in ministry. He gave me a pile of Sunday School answers. At the end of that session, I gave him the task of re-reading the Gospels to find instances in which Jesus intentionally disappointed people’s expectations of him.

Lazarus was on his death bed. Yet, Jesus stayed where he was two more days, then took a leisurely two more days to get to Bethany. Martha’s remark had some teeth, wouldn’t you say? Some of us would have been fired for delaying only one day.

If our self-worth as a pastor is based primarily on our fulfilling other’s expectations of us, our cup will always “runneth-under.” The same sola gracia we proclaim must be the foundation of our own lives and calling. Pastoral ministry out of a heart brimming with the personal experience of God’s un-deserved love and grace is lively and life-giving. Any other motivation will leave us acting like the Prodigal’s older brother.

Out of the sola gracia of our call to faith flows the call to ministry. Our self-worth as pastors will grow only to the degree that this is a reality in our minds.

You’ve got to know who to please. And who to disappoint.

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