Some reflections on Father's Day

Some reflections on Father’s Day

By Craig L. Loving, D.Min., LMFT

If he does it right, being a dad will be one of the hardest thing a man will ever do. Perhaps not the most physically challenging. Most likely, not the most dangerous. But one of the hardest, nevertheless. (Nothing in this article should be interpreted to mean that dads have a more important role than moms. They don’t. Both dads and moms play important - but very different - roles in their children’s lives).

What is a dad’s role? Some time ago, researcher David Blankenhorn traveled across the U.S. asking fathers what they thought it meant to be a good father today? After hours of listening, and reviewing the recordings of conversations, Blankenhorn and his associates distilled the men’s observations into four essential elements. Provide, protect, nurture, sponsor.

Good dads provide for their families. Whether in the office or in the field, good dads know that the primary way they demonstrate their commitment to their wife and children is to be a good breadwinner. They may not be – and usually aren’t – the sole provider, but they willingly accept the role as the primary provider. Blankenhorn summarized the thoughts of the men in his study about their role as provider: “I work to serve my family; my work is important to me because serving my family is important to me.”

Good dads protect their families. In many homes across America tonight, Dad will turn off the lights, and check – and perhaps recheck – to ensure that the doors are locked. But its more than physical protection. Good dads protect their children by preparing them for life.

I grew up in the mountains west of Denver. That means I grew up climbing trees. One of my earliest memories of climbing trees is, well, falling out of a tree. At about 6 or 7 years old, I was standing on branch when it broke. I fell about 3 or 4 feet, landing on my back and knocking the wind out of me. My parents saw me fall, and both rushed over to me. After I stopped gasping for breath, my mother checked to see if I was hurt (motherly protection), while my father told me I needed to check to see if the branches would hold me before I put my weight on them (fatherly protection). Mom’s say, “Are you hurt?” Dad’s say, “Be more careful next time.”

There are a number of other ways good dads protect their families by preparing them for life. They instruct their sons about respectful ways to treat their mother and sisters. They talk with their daughters about appropriate ways to dress and act around boys. They teach their sons how to change the oil in the car, and teach their daughters how to change a tire. These are acts of preparation and protection that good fathers provide.

Good dads nurture their families. Blankenhorn writes, “[Good] fathers help their wives to manage the household and assist their wives in providing the day-to-day affection and attention that children want and need from both of their parents.” Do you remember Harry Chapin’s song Cat’s in the Cradle? The refrain is haunting. “I'm gonna be like you, dad. You know I'm gonna be like you.” Most of what we learn comes through modeling the behaviors of others. The most important modeling comes from our families; we do what we saw our parents do. Good dads understand that their sons and daughters are going to model their behaviors after what they see their dad doing, or not doing. They make use of that. A good dad wants his children to pick up after themselves, so he picks up after himself. A good dad wants his children to be kind to others in the family, so he is kind to them and to the children’s mother.

A good dad understands that everyone – including his children – make mistakes. Even though there may be consequences for his son or daughter’s mistakes, a good dad is quick to forgive. More than that, he doesn’t bring up a forgiven past while dealing with a present infraction.

Nurturing dads are affectionate. Their kids know dad loves them, because he tells them (verbally) and shows them (physically). He gives hugs, pats on the back, a tussled hair (if his son or daughter likes it). But he also respects his children’s boundaries. In so doing, he models for his children the way they can establish or respect boundaries with others. The establishing of boundaries with his children is an important element in helping them stay away from drugs, alcohol and adolescent sexual activity.

Good dads sponsor their families. Blankenhorn writes that sponsoring "is typically the language of coaching or training. In describing the good father, the men we interviewed frequently chose words such as instilling, advising, teaching, setting an example, preparing.

What does this mean? Not only are good dads living examples of what they want their children to be, they also actively discuss what good character is, and why it matters. Good dads don’t leave character development to their wives, the schools, Scouts, or the church. They actively instill the values and expectations of their family.

Blankenhorn quotes one of the men he interviewed: “I want [my son] to have an inner strength to make the right decision in a tough situation… [If] I can do that, then I have success as a parent. That’s it.”

This article began with the statement that if he does it right, being a dad will be one of the hardest thing a man will ever do. We’ve talked about four key elements of what a good dad does.

What kinds of things can a man to make these elements characteristic of his fathering? Here are a few:

Examine how you’re currently doing. On a scale of 1 to 5, where are you on the issues of providing, protecting, nurturing, and sponsoring? Ask your wife to rate you. Get over the Superman syndrome that you have to be perfect on every issue. No one is. Good dad’s aren’t perfect, they are making progress. How about you?

Come up with a game plan. Ask yourself what practical things you could do improve your game. If you get stumped, get help. Most men won’t stop to ask for directions when they’re lost. That may be humorous when a guy is driving. There is nothing funny about it when it comes to being a good dad. At least pick up a book on parenting.

Put it in writing. Once you’ve got an idea of where you are, and how to improve your fathering game, put it on a 3 x 5 card. That way you can take it with you, or stick it on the corner of your mirror. For example: Good Dads Provide: “I will evaluate one area where I can cut back on my spending in order to have more money for my family.

Don’t leave it to chance; get it on your calendar. Your kids are only young once. The earlier in their lives that you invest intentional time on being a good dad, the better the results can be. Every dad chooses how he will spend his time. Good dads are like good investors. They start now and consistently make regular deposits into the accounts.

Choose your battles. Not only is there a difference between a child’s inability to comply with your wishes from their unwillingness to comply, not every issue is a “Category 10” issue. Do you remember learning how to break a steel coat-hanger by repeatedly bending it back and forth? The same thing can happen to a child. Good dads want to bend the child’s will in the right direction. They know that they can break their child’s spirit by incessant correcting on every issue.

Have fun. While good dads understand the vital importance of what they’re doing, they also know that being a good dad includes lots of laughter. Good times with dad doesn’t always have to involve spending money or going somewhere. Often, it can be as simple as showing your kids how to hang a spoon on your nose, or using video cassettes as dominoes.

Years ago, Steven Covey wrote Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. One of his chapters was entitled, “Begin with the end in mind.” In it, he suggested that effective people (a) decide how they want to be remembered by those closest to them; (b) live accordingly.

If he does it right, being a dad will be one of the hardest thing a man will ever do. But being a good dad is one of the best investments a man can make of his life.

Happy Father’s Day!

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